What Do You Want? (And Why That Question Terrifies You)

Why "What Do You Want?" Feels Impossible to Answer

For years, maybe even a decade or more, yourwants haven't mattered most. Not because you're a martyr, but because motherhood requires a fundamental reorganization of priorities. Your child's needs are immediate, non-negotiable, and often urgent. Your wants? Those can wait.

Except they've waited so long that you've forgotten they exist.

This isn't a personal failing. It's a survival adaptation. When you're in the thick of early motherhood, constantly asking yourself "What do I want?" while a toddler screams for crackers would drive you insane. So, you stop asking. You develop what psychologists call"other-oriented awareness", you become exquisitely attuned to everyone else's needs and progressively deaf to your own internal voice.

But here's the problem: You can't build a fulfilling career if you don't know what fulfillment looks like for you.

The Four Layers of "I Don't Know"

When mothers say "I don't know what I want," they're usually experiencing one (or all) of these four barriers:

1. Permission Paralysis

You don't feel entitled to want things for yourself. Somewhere along the way, you internalized the message that good mothers are selfless, and wanting something for your career feels selfish. You might even feel guilty for spending time thinking about what you want instead of acting on what your family needs.

The truth: Wanting things for yourself doesn't diminish your love for your children. It models healthy self-respect and ambition—qualities you'd want them to have.

2. The Blank Canvas Problem

It's been so long since you've asked your selfthis question that you genuinely don't know where to start. Your wants feel simultaneously too small (a quiet lunch break?) and impossibly big (to change the world?). The question feels so vast that you freeze.

The truth: Your wants don't have to be fully formed or ambitious. They just have to be honest.

3. Fear of the Wrong Answer

Maybe you do know what you want, but it scares you. What if you want something impractical? What if you want less than you "should"? What if you want something that requires sacrifices you're not sure you can make? So you pretend not to know rather than face a difficult truth.

The truth: Knowing what you want doesn't obligate you to pursue it immediately or exactly. It just gives you a direction.

4. The Moving Target

You're a different person than you were before children. Your old career goals might not fit anymore, but you haven't figured out what the new ones are. You're trying to answer, "What do I want?"with an outdated map of yourself.

The truth: Who you have evolved. Your wants should evolve too. This isn't backsliding, it's growth.

What Happens When You Start Knowing

Something shifts when you can answer"What do you want?" even partially. You stop applying to every job just because it's available. You start looking for roles that align with your actual values instead of roles that just fill the employment gap on your resume.

You interview differently. You negotiate differently. You make choices differently.

You stop living in reaction mode and start living with intention.

And here's the beautiful part: Your kids are watching. They're learning that their mother is a whole person with desires,ambitions, and a life beyond caregiving. They're learning that it's healthy to know what you want and to pursue it thoughtfully.

You're not just finding a job. You're teaching them how to build a life.

A Final Note: This Is Ongoing Work

You won't answer "What do I want?"once and be done. You'll answer it, then re-answer it, then revise it as you grow and learn more about yourself.

That's not a bug. That's the whole point.

Be patient with yourself. You're not behind.You're exactly where you need to be, asking exactly the right question:

What do I want?

Now give yourself permission to find out.

Take the Next Step

Ready to Take the Next Step?

You don’t have to figure all of this out on your own. Re-entering the workforce afteryears of caring for children is brave, messy, and deeply personal, and having the right support makes all the difference.

If you’re feeling stuck between who you used to be and who you’re becoming, start with something simple and powerful:
Download my Back-to-Work Guide for Moms.
It will help you reconnect with your strengths, name what you want, andtranslate your caregiving years into confidence, clarity, and direction.

And when you're ready for deeper, personalized support, my self-awareness-based career coaching for mothers returning to work is here to walk beside you,step by step, without pressure, and with a process that honours your story.

You deserve a career that fits the woman you are now.
Let’s rebuild that next chapter together.

‍